‘What is wrong with my lemon tree?’ This question, along with the one about possums, is the reason why TV garden programmes changed from being about plants to being about make-overs and landscaping. Sponsors and advertisers, producers and presenters got sick of the same questions week in and week out, so the format was changed to stop the questions being asked.
The questions are still asked but not on TV shows. Just listen, if you dare – or care, on any Saturday or Sunday morning to any radio talk-back programme about gardening. The lemon tree and its problems are a mainstay of many an expert. So just what can be wrong with a lemon tree?
◊ The leaves have fallen off.
The tree has experienced a sudden drop in temperature, or overnight frost. The stress causes the leaves to fall.
◊ The leaves have fallen off.
The tree has experienced a sudden rise in temperature ie. a heatwave. The stress has caused the leaves to be shed.
◊ The leaves have fallen off.
The soil is too wet, or badly drained, and some of the root system has rotted. The remaining roots cannot support the leaf canopy and so the leaves have dropped off.
◊ The leaves have fallen off.
The soil is too dry and so some of the root system has died. The remaining roots cannot support the top growth; hence the leaf fall.
◊ The leaves are curled up.
See any of the above but in this case the cause has been moderate environment change rather than extreme.
◊ The leaves are curled up and there are grey-black bugs inside.
They are aphids. Squirt off with a hose or spray with anything with a label that says it’s an organic/natural but effective pesticide. The aphids should disappear for about as long as it takes you to go back inside, unless they have also read the label and know better. Repeat as required, so keep a bottle handy. If you can’t follow the instructions, refer to No 19 immediately. (ie Read The Label Stupid)
◊ The leaves are yellow.
The leaves are reacting to an extended period of cold ie. Winter. When the weather warms up feed the tree citrus fertiliser.
◊ The leaves are yellow.
The leaves are showing signs of deficiencies in the nutrients the tree is drawing from the soil. Feed the tree with a citrus fertiliser – or get an assortment of males to pee on it. It won’t make any difference if they are strangers, friends or family members. Any male will do.
The leaves are still yellow.
Sprinkle Trace Element blend of fertiliser around the drip-line under the canopy. Scratch it in and water.
◊ The leaves are still yellow.
Sprinkle Mineral Mix blend of fertiliser as above.
◊ The fruit have brownish pin-prick spots on them.
The spots are brown scale. Spray with a horticultural pest oil or a systemic pesticide. Observe the with-holding period.
◊ The twigs and branches are dry. The leaves have fallen off. The flowers have fallen off and the fruit has fallen off too.
The tree is dead, buy another one. Repeat the sequence with a new tree until successful. The nursery industry needs your support in these difficult times for small businesses.
My husband pees on my lemon tree; what should I do?
I am treading on dangerous ground here I know. As one who from time to time does radio talk-back about gardening I have learned this topic is one of the hottest ones around. Men peeing on, or around lemon trees is a demarcation zone between masculine behaviour and feminine niceness. Along with ownership of the barbie this is one of the few male ownership things in a garden. The garden shed and its contents would be another sacred site for men.
In itself the act is a natural one, a manly reaction to the outdoors and expressing mastery over it. It is also quite good for the tree itself as the pee is almost pure uric acid, from which the highly nitrogenous fertiliser Urea is derived. Well, it was, now it is reconstructed synthetically in chemical fertiliser works.
Women, in a vast generalisation on my part, do not appreciate such expressions of male dominance and frequently object to it even if they do not actually see the act itself. The very idea of it is enough to bring out the most awesome declarations of intense dis-satisfaction from even the most mild-mannered woman.
As I have shown my observation is based on the experience of talk-back radio and what has happened to me and the men in my family. So what can you do if your husband pees on ‘his’ lemon tree?
The answer, however distasteful, is to avert your eyes and leave him to it in peace. And don’t forget to enjoy the good lemons he grows.
Watch the movie ‘The World’s Fastest Indian’ for a full introduction to the lemon tree pee mystique.
